margarethess

Our daughter, Keziah, graduated from High School this past June. Our family joined hundreds of others in a big arena to celebrate this bittersweet rite of passage. Photos of each Senior flashed by on the Jumbotron while we readied our cameras and tried not to cry. Friends and family members came laden with armloads of flowers and gift bags. A good time was had by all.

A woman sitting two rows in front of us, about ten seats to our left, seemed to be having an especially good time. About every 30 seconds throughout the whole ceremony, she shouted at the top of her lungs: DESTINY! You could set your watch by her regularity. No matter what was going on, who was speaking, which graduate was receiving their diploma, we heard the steady cry of DESTINY! This woman was Destiny’s biggest cheerleader. Destiny never once turned to look at her biggest fan. DESTINY!!! The wise family kept their air horn away from her….

Read More

When company is coming, I can get a little crazy. If you asked my family, they might even say I’m possessed when it comes to entertaining. “Mom’s on a cleaning frenzy. She’s re-arranging her sock drawer and re-bushing the bushes in the yard. Who’s coming over?”
They think I’m over the top when it comes to hospitality.
“Mom!” my daughter says when her best friend comes to dinner. “Why do you need to put on a table cloth, use the good dishes and the nice silverware?” She rolls her eyes. “It’s only Kaitlin!”
I can’t help myself. I grew up in Virginia. Southern hospitality is in my blood. It’s a reflex.
When the firemen and the emergency crew showed up when my husband cut his leg with an axe and passed out (only a minor flesh wound), they all crowded into the family room and hovered over Peter. My first thought was: “Why didn’t I bake cookies? I have nothing to serve these people!”
Hospitality is also deeply engrained in the Judeo-Christian faith tradition that formed me. In ancient times, welcoming the stranger was one of the most basic laws of the desert. If you turned a guest away, they might die of hunger or thirst or from exposure to the elements. Kindness and offering a warm welcome could be a matter of life or death.
As we know, hospitality can be risky. We may be inviting trouble or danger with our welcoming spirit. Welcoming some may cause others to turn their backs on us. But preparing to welcome others can lead to spiritual (and physical) house cleaning. It can open us up to new possibilities and a future radically altered for the better.

When I painted this version of the Annunciation, I wasn’t consciously thinking about hospitality. But looking back on it, hospitality seems to be just what Mary was practicing here as she welcomed Gabriel and his invitation into her life. Hospitality opened heaven and earth to one another, and a radical new story was born. As Henri Nouwen put it: “Hospitality means primarily the creation of free space where the stranger can enter and become a friend instead of an enemy. Hospitality is not to change people, but to offer them space where change can take place. It is not to bring men and women over to our side, but to offer freedom not disturbed by dividing lines.” (Henri J.M. Nouwen. Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life.)

How are you practicing hospitality in your life? What will help you to open your heart and mind in welcome to the Other?
To Read More about my thoughts on hospitality, read my May newsletter here.

Stories have the power to create worlds, give meaning to life, inspire, form character, provide wisdom, and suggest direction. Stories can also limit, shame, erode confidence, and diminish us. Each story has the potential to go in either direction: creation or destruction. The difference lies in how the story is told and interpreted.
What are the stories that you tell yourself? Asking ourselves this question on a regular basis can heighten awareness of how our narratives either help or hinder us. When a story holds us back, we can choose an alternative narrative.
One of my core stories is rooted in the fact that I am a youngest child in my family of origin. My sister Kay is four years older than I, so I was always playing catch up. She had a few more years to develop her capacities, but why should that stop me from thinking I could do anything she could do? Sometimes this worked in my favor, pushing me to learn new skills. But sometimes my efforts to keep up ended in disaster.
I clearly remember the day Kay took her bike to the top of the hill where we lived. “Mom, look at this,” she called as she rode her bike expertly to the bottom of the hill, coasting to a smooth stop. Not to be outdone, I took my little red tricycle to the top of the hill. “Mom, look,” I cried as I sped down the hill, a blur of spokes and a flash of red.

If my trike had brakes at all they weren’t very effective. I crashed in front of our house. Loud weeping ensued. The old man who lived across the street hobbled over with his cane to check on me. I’d never seen him move so fast. Nothing was broken, but I had a huge scrape between my nose and upper lip that formed into a perfect little brown scabbed moustache. For weeks after, Kay would salute me and shout: “Heil Hitler!”
My experience of being a youngest turned into a story that shows up in several ways. When I walk into a new setting, I almost always feel as if I am the youngest person in the room. Translation: everyone else here is more capable, competent, and way smarter than I. And when I put myself out in the world in a way that pushes me to develop my capacities, it often feels dangerous. Teaching a new class or preaching a sermon in front of a large group of people can trigger that visceral anxiety that sends “red alert” signals through my body. The brain can not always distinguish real from imagined anxiety, but my muscle memory shouts out: “You’re gonna crash!”
I’ve learned how to work with this core narrative to identify strengths and find value in this story. The strengths evident in the story: I am able to take risks, to challenge myself to stretch beyond my capacities, to try new things and enjoy the ride. Lessons learned from this story: it’s good to check your brake system, showing off rarely ends well, and there is always help on the way, often from unexpected sources.
Are there stories you tell yourself that keep you stuck and don’t serve you well anymore? Once you identify the story you can ask some powerful questions of its purpose in your life: is there another perspective here? How does this story serve me? What do I have to gain/lose from hanging on to this story? How might I re-edit the story and write a new ending which is much more life giving?
Writer Vikram Chandra says: “The world is a story we tell ourselves about the world.” What’s your story?

 

Last April, I attended a Flora Bowley painting workshop in Portland, Oregon. I have zero training in art, but have been wanting to paint for a long time. Flora Bowley teaches an approach called Intuitive Painting. This pretty much means that you start with a blank canvas, keep adding layers and layers of paint in a big, messy exploration.

You’re not painting a still life but being open to what emerges. Intuitive painting invited us to be brave, to take risks, to experiment, and most of all, to be willing to let go of our attachment to outcome. Let’s just say it’s a great spiritual practice for being open to Holy Surprises.

 

We worked on two very large canvases at once. Moving back and forth between the canvases gave time for the acrylic paint to dry before adding more layers. The first layer was warm colors: reds, and oranges and yellows; the second cool colors of blues and greens. We experimented with mark making with brushes and different tools, including our hands. At one point Flora had us paint blindfolded. Talk about letting go! THEN she asked us paint on each other’s canvases, taking the risks that come with collaboration.

After we had spent the day working on our two canvases, interesting things began to emerge in our paintings. At that was the point Flora said: “I want you to give one of your canvases away.” We each let go of one of our works-in-progress. Who knew I could be so attached to the mess that was emerging on the canvas? (Flora!) Each of us had to make someone else’s underpainting into our own.

 

More layers of paint followed. Flora challenged us to turn our canvases around as we painted, getting new perspectives. She encouraged us to ask: “What color am I craving?” She kept saying: “Just take the next step, you don’t have to know what the outcome will be, just trust the process.” “There are no mistakes, just keep exploring and adding.” Just when we felt we were warming up to the idea of risk taking, Flora introduced us to the 80/20 rule, one of her many encouragements to make a bold move. If you were feeling stuck, you mixed up some neutral paint, gray perhaps, and painted over 80 of what you had on the canvas. Keeping about 20% was working, letting go of the rest. “Just keep painting,” Flora said. “Stay open. Be authentic. Take risks. Let go of judgments and explore.”

 

 

We painted this way for four days, pushing through our fear, inhibitions, and uncertainty. We opened ourselves up to curiosity, joy, and surprise. The layers gave our canvases a rich narrative, each one a chapter in the backstory of the painting. The risks opened us up to new and unexpected possibilities, every layer, every brush stroke was a new learning. We discovered new skills, cultivated bravery as we “learned to find ease in risk.” For each of us, surprises had emerged on our canvases. At our “art show” we went around and marveled at the paintings. They were amazingly beautiful. I still feel astonishment every time I look at mine.

 

 

 

The workshop in April was an exercise in putting on what Carol Dweck calls “growth mindset.” Embracing the beginner’s mind of what we do not know, turning down the volume of the inner critic, and learning from exploration were values that opened us up to new possibilities. Where are you taking risks and practicing growth mindset? What Holy Surprises are emerging for you?

 

 

 

 

 

I have a new man in my life. Every time I’m around him I get a little weak in the knees. Literally. I can hardly walk when he’s done with me. And I’d only known him for a few weeks when he confided his secret fantasy to me. Let’s just say it involves a cowboy hat and spurs.

Oddly enough my husband introduced me to him, so no need to worry. Matt is the owner of Dynamic Strength and Conditioning, and he’s one of my personal trainers. The first few weeks I worked with Matt, he made me do so many squats that I begged for mercy, my legs wobbly and uncooperative for days after my workout. I have never been to a strength and conditioning gym with a sports focus, never been remotely athletic, never envisioned that I could actually do some of the exercises I’m now doing on a regular basis. But here I am: loving this new part of my life. Well, mostly.

“You’ll learn these exercises in no time,” Matt says. “And then you’re gonna crush it.”

“Crush it,” I repeat under my breath as I do my tiny little push up on the easiest setting of the push up bar, utterly convinced that I AM going to get stronger. Matt is just a believable kind of guy.

“Your plank is impeccable,” Matt says. “You’re crushing it.”

“Arrrgh! I AM crushing it,” I roar, glowing with pride under that sheen of sweat.

I was inspired by Peter to go to DSC. He worked out there for about six months and it completely changed the shape of his body, his level of strength, his posture, and his gait. Two months after starting there, Peter noticed that his knees had stopped hurting. That really got my attention. That and the fact that my 40^th High School reunion was on the horizon. So I dragged my old bones down to the gym and started a new chapter of wellness.

Our motivations for change are many. I ramped up my exercising for health reasons: reducing back pain, increasing strength, wanting to see better numbers at my yearly physical, improving bone density, and lets face it, wanting to look better at my 40^th HS reunion than I did at my 35^th. Becoming inspired may be the easy part. Staying motivated is the challenge. This is where Matt and my other trainers help a lot.

Having a Coach at the gym helps me to identify my goals, work safely to meet them, be held accountable, stay on track, push through my resistance, and ultimately, to crush it. Sustaining motivation is tricky, but not impossible.

In her new book Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation, Gabriele Oettingen suggests that positive dreams about our future selves aren’t enough to keep us motivated. She goes further to say that positive fantasies can work against our success, draining the energy we need to work hard and make changes. Her research proposes that we need to factor in the hard work of making changes in our lives into our fantasies about the future if we want to make successful changes. Oettingen says that “mental contrasting” is the process of “visualizing the personal barriers or impediments that prevent us from achieving these dreams.”  Her easy to remember approach to maintaining motivation for change is WOOP: Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan. Check out Oettingen’s work at http://www.woopmylife.org

Being prepared for barriers that will arise doesn’t crush our dreams. Rather it helps us to develop a plan to overcome the obstacles and gives us energy to move through those barriers.

Here’s where Matt comes in. His experience, education, and expertise help him to create a program that can meet me where I am, work through obstacles when they arise, and help me safely build up my capacity to move forward into a healthier, stronger life.   Coaching, whether it be a fitness coach or a life coach, helps us to meet our goals… to crush it. So thanks Matt!

Oh, maybe if you can guess Matt’s secret fantasy he’ll give you a free week at the gym.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Dynamic-Strength-and-Conditioning/66245822305?sk=timeline

 

 

 

While waiting to go to China to bring our daughter home, a woman I hardly knew gave me a stuffed Winnie the Pooh for Keziah. Having Pooh by my side during that long, uncertain wait was a comfort to me. The problem was, I had to hand over the stuffed Pooh when she arrived. (It’s probably more accurate to say that Peter had to wrest Pooh out of my arms to give to our baby.) 13 years later, I still sneak into Keziah’s room now and then to give Pooh a big hug. He may be a Bear with Very Little Brain, but he sure knows how to help a girl get through the night.

Who doesn’t like Winnie the Pooh and his friends? There is something for everyone in A.A. Milne’s stories. The lovable Pooh, enthusiastic Tigger, nervous Piglet, maternal Kanga, bossy Rabbit, depressive Eeyore, and wise, absentminded Owl provide the perfect projection screen for our character strengths and weaknesses.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about Eeyore, who in his mopey mournfulness seems to be a January Kind of Guy. When I talked with my Coach last week, I reported that I was totally into an Eeyore state of mind: resistant, ruminating, rummaging around in the pile of reasons why I couldn’t get my coaching homework done. I was living in Blahsville.

Perhaps you know those days: When negativity overrides your efforts to move forward…when your heels are dug into deep resistance to change…when your outlook is gloomy.

What to do when you’re stuck in Eeyore mode?

• Be compassionate toward yourself… self-compassion goes a long way toward moving you out of negativity. Check out the loving-kindness (toward self) meditations at Barb Fredrickson’s positivityresonance.com site.
• Think of resistance as information. Be curious. Your resistance might help you honestly to identify roadblocks to your goals. Then you can plan more effectively how to move through those blocks and get back on track.
• Ask Eeyore what he wants or needs. Or ask “Eeyore, what would make this easier for you?” Be in dialogue with your inner Eeyore as a way to get to know yourself better.
• Reach out! If you feel isolated then connect with others. Think about how you can reach out to Your Tribe for support. Eeyore was surrounded by people who loved him and were willing to come to his aid. Accepting the genuine care of Christopher Robin, Pooh, and the other residents of the 100 Acre Woods always helped Eeyore turn the corner.

Exploring your Eeyore State of Mind can lead to new insights, more intentional self care, and thoughtful planning to reach your goals. Don’t leave Eeyore out in the cold, he might be able to help you move forward.

 

 

When 85-year-old Walter Mischel was asked: “What next? What are your plans for the next 5 years?” he didn’t hesitate; he had an answer. And his answer had nothing to do with ramping down, easing out, or anything that looked like retirement. I want to be like that when I’m 85, still lively, engaged, and using my creativity to help make the world a better place.

Last week I listened in on a captivating, live interview with Dr. Walter Mischel conducted by Dr. Ben Dean of MentorCoach .(You can listen to the interview for free at the MentorCoach Website: http://www.mentorcoach.com/mischel/ ) A psychologist known for his research on self-control, Mischel was involved in what is famously known as “the marshmallow test.” The experiment conducted at Stamford in the mid 1960’s gave children a choice: they could have one treat (cookies, candy, marshmallow) right away. Or if they waited until the researcher came back into the room, they could have two treats. Delayed gratification or immediate satisfaction.

Watching how the children passed the time until the researcher came back into the room gave them a lot of information about what skills helped the child delay their gratification. The ones who were able to distract or entertain themselves could wait longer. This experiment became the seedbed of further research on what has become known as executive function.

The children who participated in the study were in school with Mischel’s daughters. Over time he would ask about how their friends were doing, and he began to make informal notes about their successes and failures. This led to a longitudinal study on a sample of the 550 children who had been tested. They discovered a correlation between the children’s capacity to exert self-control and their level of success in life. This showed up in interesting places: in their body mass index at age 32 or in their SAT scores, to name two.

Dr. Mischel has an impressive research career. But what struck me most in Ben’s interview with him was Walter’s compassion and concern for the betterment of the world. He was 8 years old and living in Vienna when the Nazis occupied the city. He told a family story about how when his family was burning papers to keep them from the Nazis, they discovered a document with a gold seal. His grandfather had lived in the US for five years many years before, and had become a US citizen, which the family did not know about. Those papers allowed the family to escape to the US. This narrative of escaping to a new life of freedom formed Dr. Mischel into a person who actively tries to help others become their best.

Walter’s response to Ben’s question “What next” revealed Mischel’s compassion for those who experience the disadvantages of poverty and stress.   He said: “My plans really are to see how I can help apply the basic work that I’ve spent my life on in self-regulation and personality…in helping the people who are trying to change what our children are taught in public schools so that we can have the most effective educational programs possible for helping kids who are beginning life at the bottom on that socio-economic divide to make it up that ladder…and to make that ladder out of poverty and stress an accessible ladder…”

He went on to say: “Under conditions of high temptation, high poverty and high stress the hot system (of the brain) is dominant and the cool system begins to shrivel. So the reduction of extreme poverty and of stress is absolutely vital if we are going to have the type of world I think we are all hoping for.”

What kind of world are you hoping for? And what will you be doing when you are 85 to bring that world into being?

How will you make gladness in your life today?